"All they see is ass!"

"They don't care what's glued on to the other side; all they see is ass!"

That's what I get for flipping through the channels and passing Dog: The Bounty Hunter.

Speaking of dogs, I must tell you about the weirdest thing to happen in front of my house since Patterson turned into sales associate of the year at our garage sale.

Friday, the next door neighbor who has a spotty history of taking care of dogs happened to be dogsitting some little poodle-type job. Riley, aka DJ Rumpshaker, was at the front door to greet my mom. My mom stood at the front door to block Riley from running out, as she loves going to the neighbor to get petted. My father, the mischievous sonofabee that he is, decided to open the door wider and nudged Riley out the door, knowing there was another dog in the driveway.

The neighbor, not thinking, excitedly called Riley over to her. Riles obliged by running down the driveway, then stopping short at the sight of this other dog. She then went forward to do the obligatory sniffing, which the other dog wasn't into. The other dog started whining, and somehow Riles took offense and started growling and chasing after it.

By the time I got down the driveway, Riley and the other dog were running in circles around my neighbor, who stood dumbly at the center of the chaos. I then tried to reach into the middle of the fray to grab Riley, which was like trying to find the right moment to jump in between the ropes in double dutch.

Why, do you ask?

Well, at this point, my dumb-ass neighbor thought that the best way to extract her dog from the situation was to pull the leash up so that the dog was off the ground (thank goodness for small favors, as the dog was at least wearing a harness instead of a regular neck collar).

Think that's the worst of it? Think again!

Not only did she lift the dog off the ground by its leash, she started to spin around in a circle to get the dog away from the pursuant Riley. The dog swinging in the air only pissed Riley off more, as she growled louder and continued to chase.

I couldn't believe my neighbor was this dumb. I couldn't believe I was trying to extract my dog from this whole mess.

So here I was, trying to jump in, all the while dodging various dogs and stupid neighbors, dirt kicking up everywhere, dumb neighbor making useless screeching noises, when I get whacked in the ass by a swinging poodle. I lurched forward, grabbed a hold of Riley, then bugged out.

Once inside the house, I chastised the dog, and put her in time out for a bit. (That's right: I forced her to watch the commercial for Bring It On: All or Nothing. Yeah, I'm a cruel mom.)

I was pissed when I walked into the house. But, I soon realized that it was because I was astounded by the bullshit sideshow that happened outside.

After dinner, my mom and I cracked the hell up about it. Especially after my mom gave her interpretation of the swinging poodle by making a lasso motion over her head and adding some sort of a siren noise.